Comfort In Pain
by Darkira
Summary: There was always the occasional fangirl who thought she'd turn me straight. I chuckled a bit bitterly at that idea. As if it was that easy. But no, I was in love with him. Only him. I wanted only him. AH/AU/J&E/Lemons/One-shot
1. Tears and Rain

**Disclaimer:** All the characters from Twilight belong to Stephenie. I'm borrowing them and making them my puppets. Oh how I love them. *pulls on strings*

If you don't like boy/boy-action or aren't old enough to buy porn, stop reading right now. Thanks.

**AN:** You can find the AN from the bottom of the page.

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~**

Comfort In Pain

I was sitting there, somewhere in Northern Europe, maybe Sweden, or was it Finland? Some remote corner of the world if you looked at the map from my point of view. My home was so very far from here and my mind was full of sorrow.

I sat on the roof of the hotel we were staying at. I wasn't homesick, I was writhing in my own personal hell for a whole other reason. I inhaled the cool night air and took a drag from my cigarette before pulling my leather jacket closer to me. I could see my breath in the dim lights of the city and I smiled at the thought a bit: at home it was still warm at this time of the year.

Touring with the band was fun for the most part. These months and months of being away from what I called home was not fun though. I wanted to crawl in to my own bed to be miserable for a change, instead of these endless hotel rooms.

I inhaled, realised it was one of those shaky post-crying breaths I was so used to by now. That annoyed me. He didn't deserve my tears.

See, I had been doing this for years now. Our band was quite successful. We all made a living from it. It was five of us and two had a family back in the States. I was single and in love with our lead singer who was single and straight. The fifth guy was a womanizer.

We all loved each other, we had to if we meant to tour the world like this. Still I always felt like being the odd man out in the group. I was the only one who liked men, the others were all straight. We had all made a conscious decision to not hide ourselves. So I was openly gay to our fans and even though some of the fans who tried to get in to my pants were still girls, most of the fans were fine with it.

There was always the occasional fangirl who thought she'd turn me straight. I chuckled a bit bitterly at that idea. As if it was that easy. But no, I was in love with him. Only him. I wanted only him.

Of course I hooked up with some guy every now and then. I wasn't a monk even though I couldn't get the man I wanted to. Not recently though. I hadn't had anyone in...weeks. I was getting tired of touring and I wanted to get back home.

To be honest, I was pretty much tired of living. Did you know Robbie Williams is a genious? I mean I can totally agree with him. _"I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either..." _Lyrics don't get much better than that, kudos to Robbie.

Our music was pretty aggressive rock but we had a softer side. Usually we ended the set with some softer songs, our idea being that even though we rocked their socks off at first, they should go back in to the night calm and with a smile on their faces. Something we came up with very early, playing calm and possibly acoustic songs as encores. There was a buzz after a seeing gig anyway, we wanted the buzz from our shows to be a bit different.

Sometimes I took my guitar and sang one song if I felt like it. Usually some cover song, sometimes I got email from fans, suggesting me a song. So sometimes I indulged them. I had played Muse, Placebo, Incubus, Damien Rice, James Blunt...a lot of good songs to pick from.

Tonight I had been down. Even from the beginning of the gig I had felt different. I had been putting on my mask, the one every performer has for the bad days. I had rocked on the stage but when I told the guys that I wanted to do one of the encore-songs they were surprised. I hadn't done that in weeks. They all agreed though.

So I had stepped on the stage alone at the beginning of the encore-set. Just me and my acoustic guitar.

"Okay folks...I know some of you still want me to do this..." I smirked a bit at the cheers of the crowd.

"I think someone called Claire sent me an email, requesting this song for tonight. Just that you know sweetheart, I absolutely love this song and I wish it was mine. Thanks for reminding me though." I said and I could feel the silence fall but there was a girl's voice from somewhere telling me that I was welcome. So she was here then. It was nice.

The spotlight was on me now, I sat there on _his_ usual place with my guitar and I began to strum it.

_How I wish I could surrender my soul;  
Shed the clothes that become my skin;  
See the liar that burns within my needing.  
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.  
How I wish I had screamed out loud,  
Instead I've found no meaning._

After the first few lines I could hear the crowd make a sound of enthusiasm. It was a known song by Mr. Blunt and it had become my theme song during these last couple of years.

I knew I was singing my heart out now, my eyes were closed and I could feel that even the audience was singing quietly instead of the usual volume they sang along in.

_I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,  
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.  
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.  
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain. _

They sang the chorus with me and I smiled.

_How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;  
Hold memory close at hand,  
Help me understand the years.  
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.  
How I wish I would save my soul.  
I'm so cold from fear._

_I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,  
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.  
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.  
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.  
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain. _

I was glad when the song was over because my voice was trembling when I sang the last few words. I could hear some of the people go aww on me. It warmed my heart and annoyed me at the same time.

"Thanks Claire, hope you liked it." I said at the end of the song and the whole audience cheered. "And now, I think Jasper wants to sing you a few more songs. So I'll give you the rest of the band, have a good rest of the night." I said and they were slowly realising I wasn't going to come on the stage again tonight.

I hopped down from my seat, set Gladys, my guitar, on the side of the stage and met Jasper's eyes when he was coming back to the stage. There was something in his eyes I couldn't decipher. He was a few inches taller than me so I didn't have to duck my head to void seeing his expression properly.

Then I practically ran away, to the back to grab my jacket and I told my personal bodyguard/roadie Sam to take me to the hotel, now. Without a question he did. We didn't speak on the way, he just drove me to the hotel in his rental and kept quiet. He knew I would talk if I wanted to.

"Thanks Sam. How did you know I needed a rental tonight?" I asked him, glancing to his profile from the back seat where I was sitting.

"Oh, almost the end of the tour...you always do, mate." he just said in his usual way and I sighed.

He was right.

It always got worse the more time I had to spend around Jasper.

Let me tell you a few things about Jasper Whitlock.

He's an amazing singer. He was the most expressive light green eyes and his hair always looks a bit untamed with the curls and strands of yellowish blonde mixed in with the darker dirty blonde color.

Jasper is a Southerner, which means he charms the pants off any girl he meets. He's the guy who opens the doors and pulls chairs and says yes ma'am and please ma'am.

And I had been in love with him since puberty. That was many long years. Way more than I cared to count, that much was sure.

Sam dropped me off at the hotel and I pretty much got to my room in the top floor without anyone noticing me. After pacing around the suite I decided to go to the roof. I had seen an entrance and I grabbed my cigs, I only smoked when I was anxious and I was going a pack per day right now, before heading to the door at the end of the hallway.

So there I sat. The gig was probably over by now and the guys would head either to sleep or to party. I was going to sit here until I couldn't anymore, either because I'd finally get sleepy or turn in to an icicle.

I realised I was humming something. I was apparently still in a Blunt-mood. I smiled a bit sadly. I inhaled a hefty doze of calming smoke and exhaled after a moment.

_  
"But I won't be your concubine - I'm a puppet not a whore.  
I just need this stage to be seen.  
Will you be a friend of mine to remind me what is real?  
Hold my heart and see that it bleeds.."_

I sang it out loud. No wonder I was down, with these songs in my head.

Another drag and then suddenly the was a tiny sound from behind me. I turned to look. A familiar lanky blonde was standing there, against the wall.

"I bet you made that girl happy. They thought you'd come back though. You should have warned us." he said, staying there in the distance.

I cleared my throat a bit. I was completely at loss of words temporarily.

"I didn't feel like playing anything else after that song. Sorry about that." I said and looked over the city skyline.

The cigarette was pretty much done so I took the last drag and flicked it over the side of the roof.

"Did you know I got more ink in London?" he asked and I shrugged.

"Nope." I didn't what it had to do about tonight, his new tattoo.

"I'd like you to see it, Edward." he said quietly and I turned to look at him.

"Then show me?" my tone must have been cold, as cold as my heart was getting.

"I'll have to strip some and it's bloody freezing in here." he said and I nodded.

Internally I sighed. Great. I got to see Jasper in less clothing, again.

I still got up and walked to him and past him, going to the door of his suite, never touching him, never looking at him. I wanted to get this tattoo-show over with so that this night would finally be over with.

He let me in and I walked to the middle of the room and turned around.

"Do you want anything to drink?" he asked, being the always polite gentleman he was.

"Nope." I said again. I was so fucking tired. In so many ways.

I could see his shoulders slump a bit at my tone. He felt guilty or bad or something. I was tired of trying to decipher him tonight. I had done that for a very long time. Looking for any sign, any at all, that he'd one day respond to my feelings.

"Did you know James got engaged to Victoria while she came to meet us in Paris?" he asked as he hung up his jacket and kicked his shoes off.

"No, but good for them I suppose. Hope they get it to work." I said and shrugged.

Paul was married to Rachel and they had a few kids whom he missed all the time we were on the road. His brother Seth was engaged to his high school sweetheart Bella. Now James, the ultimate womanizer, was settling down. It left me and Jasper.

"Yeah, I hope so too. He's the oldest one of us so he should settle down. Victoria seems like a handful so maybe they'll make it work." he said and stripped further.

He took his button up off and tossed it on the couch I was standing next to.

Then he opened the zipper of his leather pants and I looked at him in a clear 'are you fucking kidding me'-way. The bastard grinned a bit.

"There." he said, pulling his boxer briefs down on his left hip.

He turned so that I saw a small, elegant but masculine print of two words. The background was grey, an outline of...a guitar pick?

The text said _shackle free._

I looked at his face and he stepped closer as I sat down on the couch as it was conveniently behind me. "Look closer." he said.

So I did. The pick was outlined and sort of a nice background for the text but there was a tiny letter, in the middle of it in white color to pop out if you looked closely.

"E?" I looked up to him, confused.

I knew the words were from one of our mutual favorite songs.

He looked at me, his eyes filled with _something_ and he sang:

"_These bonds are shackle free, wrapped in lust and lunacy.  
Tiny touch of jealousy, these bonds are shackle free."_

_  
_I closed my eyes for a moment.

"You know I don't really play guitar as much or as well as you do... My first name doesn't start with E either..." Jasper almost whispered and looked at me in a very shy manner. "I know you're not a puppet, Edward. I never wanted you to feel like one. I never wanted to hurt you either."

What the hell? I couldn't really look at him. I just...sat there.

"I'm sorry it took me all this time...to figure out..." he looked down as my gaze suddenly snapped back to his face.

"To figure out what, Jasper? That I've been insanely in love with you since we met in junior high? That I have fucking cried myself to sleep every night in the last few weeks like I _always_ do at the end of the tours." I spat the words out and I saw him flinch with every single one of them.

"Or maybe you figured out that I only fuck blonde guys because I try to fill the fucking void that's consuming me and pulling me in every single time I see you pick up some random chick somewhere? Oh, I have a good one!!" I said, I saw my words were making him recoil like I was backhanding with every accusation but I was way past of caring about his feelings by now.

"Maybe you finally figured out that it's funny to hear me sing on stage when I do, because I pick out the most pathetic songs to try and tell you I'm so tired of living like this I try to avoid going to anywhere high enough because I'm fucking sure that one of these nights I'll jump!" I stood up and ran out to the hall.

I got to my door, fumbling with the key card but managed to get in. I was nearly hyperventilating, I had never had a panic attack in my life but I was sure I was going to have one. I could hardly tell what I had told him, how I had yelled at him just now.

I felt bad but on the other hand I felt fucking great! I had finally said the things that had been on my mind for years!

I realised I was pacing around again. For a brief moment I considered going to the roof and just jumping this time. Then I realised it was pretty emo to even think such a thing when I had my parents and my sister back home in the States. The last thing they needed was for Sam to call them that I jumped off a hotel roof in which ever city we were in now.

I took my jacket off and kicked my shoes off next to the door. I ran my fingers through my bronze hair and didn't even try to control the messiness.

Why did he have to figure something out now? When I had suffered all these years? What was it exactly he wanted to tell me? That suddenly his eyes were wide open, that he loved me too, that he wanted me instead of the countless number of chicks that had travelled through his hotel rooms.

The knock on my door made me jump.

"Edward, please...open the door?" he asked in a quiet tone.

"Jasper go away..." I said, walking to the door.

I pressed my forehead to the cool, smooth surface of the door.

"Edward...I'm sorry...for all the pain I've caused... I... Would you let me in?" I heard his voice so close I realised he was probably leaning to the door too.

I sighed. I felt the strange surge of hope and fear rush through me. It was nothing new. When ever he looked at me in a particular way... When ever he touched me...

I suppose this was it. The last straw I was hanging on to. So my hand moved like it had a mind of its own and opened the door. Then I backed down and turned around, walking to the windows and leaned my shoulder on the frame.

I could hear him walk to the room and close the door behind himself. Then he walked to stand a couple of steps behind me.

"I never wanted to think that the solution would be this easy... That all the emptiness of the one night stands had something to do with someone I already knew..." he spoke in a very quiet tone, almost whispering.

"I never thought I was bisexual, let a lone gay. I never thought I might actually fancy a guy. I thought about it for a very long time. Years maybe... When I saw you pick up someone I never realised why I became so agitated and aggressive... A few months ago, in Rome... I saw you pick up that guy who looked a lot like me and I realised I was jealous. I wanted him to be me." the words were barely audible.

"I wanted to kick his ass for touching you. I had to think about what it all meant. So I did... I just knew I had had you there all these years and of course I knew you had...felt these things..." he sighed and I could him retreat to lean his butt to the back of the couch that faced away from the windows nearby.

"I was selfish...maybe it fed my ego, having someone like you feel things for me. I know it was wrong. So wrong... You know I never cared for the fans. But having someone I had known for so long want me...that was different. I wanted you to want me..." he sighed and looked at the floor.

Jasper was pretty much telling me he had known all along. That he had known how much I suffered and instead of talking to me or trying to ease my pain he had watched. He had enjoyed the attention he was getting from me. He admitted on being a jerk. He admitted to leading me on.

"Edward... I can never make these years up to you. I can never change what an idiot I have been or how much I've hurt you. But... Could you give me a chance to prove to you that I can be better?"

I turned around to look at him.

"Jasper, what does the tattoo mean?" I asked him in a neutral tone and he glanced up at me before returning his gaze to the floor.

"I'm... I'm in love with you. I have been for a while now. Maybe months. I needed to...gather all my courage to talk to you. I took the tattoo to... symbolize that even if you wouldn't give me a chance I would have a reminder of you on me. Of the bond that I can feel is there..." he said and the words faded in to the silence in the room.

I walked to him. I stood in front of him and looked at him.

"Jasper... I don't know... I mean...you've toyed with my feelings for years... What guarantee do I have it won't happen again? When you decide you aren't in to guys or in to me after all? When someone questions you who you are dating, what would you say? That you suddenly went gay for your bandmate?"

He didn't raise his eyes so I reached my hand to lift his chin up.

"I want you. I don't know if I should but...I do. I doubt that will ever change." I whispered when he looked at me, his eyes so bright and I saw a tiny flicker of hope in them.

"Does that mean..." he whispered and I silenced him by bringing my finger to his lips.

"I'll give you one week more, Jasper. I've been living in my own personal bittersweet heaven of a hell for years. I was thinking on quitting the band at some point, just to get away. From you. So I'll give you a week to prove me you can change and be with me. If it doesn't work out, I'm gone. For good." I told him, making the words up as I went but I was completely serious and I realised that I had really been pushed over some invisible line of bullshit I could take.

He closed his eyes for a moment and nodded. Then he opened them and I saw tears spill over. I couldn't help but to wipe them away from his cheeks with my fingers.

"Edward...would you kiss me?" he asked suddenly and I swear my knees felt weak for a moment.

There was a flip in the pit of my stomach on the possibility that he was really asking this from me. That he wanted me like this.

Before I could think about it too much, before I could over-analyze it to shreds I leaned in and pressed my lips to his.

I felt like someone had shocked me with a cattle-prod. I could tell he felt it too. He pulled his head back and I knew we both had the same, slightly shocked wide eyed look on our faces.

Something happened at that moment. It was like all the inhibitions were shaken off us. Suddenly there was nothing but our frenzy to get as close to each other as possible.

We were kissing and pulling the clothes off each other.

The funny thing was I knew that Jasper had never been with a man. Ever. Yet he was doing this with me right now. He was kissing me back and I could feel that he was getting hard just as I was.

Could this really be true?

Again I stopped myself from thinking and just decided to go with it.

I had been passionate before, with some guys that had looked even remotely like Jasper and who I could turn in to him in my mind.

This though, wasn't just anyone, this was Jasper.

"Stop!" I said suddenly, when he was fumbling with my belt. Our shirts were off and we were still there, against the back of the couch.

It was like I had hit him, he looked horrified.

"No no no...I'm not rejecting you!" I was quick to explain when I saw how insecure he suddenly became.

There was relief in his gaze as I explained it to him.

"I want this, more than you can imagine. But I want to do this right too." I said and and he nodded, a bit flushed and breathless still.

"Come with me." I told him, taking his hand and led him to the huge bathroom.

The one thing I always wanted in my hotel room was a good bathroom. I wanted to either the opportunity to bathe at will, preferably in a jacuzzi or a modern shower with the steam function. Even better if I could have both.

I pulled Jasper to me and he leaned his head down to kiss me. _This isn't really happening. This is a dream and I'll wake up with a hard on. Again._

I tugged his leather pants off him and he did the same with my jeans now that I let him.

There was no rush anymore, so I spent a lot of time touching his perfect skin everywhere I could, making him gasp softly and moan when I leaned my head and licked his chest and sucked his nipple in to my mouth.

The taste of his skin was exquisite, that's all I can describe it as being. I licked and nibbled at it until he was moaning and begging me to do something.

"I was thinking..." I said, when we were both just wearing our boxers, "if I could take a closer look at your tattoo?"

I knew I looked mischievous and he blushed a bit but nodded. I pulled my own briefs off before I tugged his down and led him in to the shower. I turned the water and the steam on and pushed him to stand against the tiled wall.

"I can't quite see it with the dim light...I think I might have to...get closer..." I murmured in a bit of a husky tone and I saw his erect cock twitch.

I dropped to my knees and looked at the tattoo, angling my head so that my breath was hitting his erection and making him gasp.

"What, Jasper? What do you want?" I asked, looking up at him.

"I want...you...please..." he said, somehow almost embarrassed about being so turned on.

I drank the sight in front of my eyes. Jasper, leaning in to a wall in my shower. Waiting for me to touch him. His skin was flushed and his breath was just short gasps. He was so hard...for me... I still couldn't believe it and I doubt I ever would.

I moved so that my nose was rubbing against his cock and he trembled against the wall. I really wanted to fuck him, to possess him, right now when I finally had the chance but I couldn't. Not yet. Tiny steps.

So I licked him. From the base of his cock to the tip where I saw the drops of pre-cum glisten and that pretty much set me off, I took him in to my mouth, feeding off his moans and shivers. He tried not to fuck my mouth but his hips would buck every now and then and I wrapped my fingers around the base of him to work as a buffer between us.

And then I gave him the best head he could ever get. Not just because I have serious skills, but because I put all the longing, all the unrequited love and all my affection in to the act.

When he came, he had no time to warn me, not that it would have stopped me from swallowing every bit of his cum, which seemed to surprise him.

"I've never...ever...come that hard..." he gasped when I released him from my mouth and held him for a moment so he wouldn't slide down the wall.

"There's a difference between coming from having sex and coming from making love." I said in to his ear and he shivered a bit at the words.

"I'd say so..." he mumbled and kissed my neck.

He tried to touch me but I stopped his hands.

"Let's shower first. When we'll go to the bed you can do what ever you want. This is new to you. You need to be comfortable with my body first." I told him and he smiled a bit.

I knew part of it was being relieved. He really was new to this. I would never pressure him in to anything, no matter how much I wanted him.

After the shower that was full of touching and kissing and slightly shy chuckling when we figured out things about each other. Like that Jasper liked it when I dug my fingers firmly to his buttcheeks and pulled him close to myself. He discovered the sweet spots on my neck that drove me wild when he licked them.

We moved to the bedroom with towels wrapped around us and I turned the lights low to make this, being so exposed with and to me, easier.

I walked to the bed and climbed on top of the covers and laid down on my back.

He stopped next to the bed and looked at me. There was want and need in his gaze but also curiosity and a bit of hesitance.

"Come here. If you want me, you'll have to learn me. This is part of it." I told him softly and he smiled.

"You know...I don't think I've ever wanted to learn to please someone this badly..." he murmured, tossing the towel and the way how determined he was to cause me pleasure made me moan softly.

He landed himself next to me, leaning to his elbow and kissed me softly. Then he began to trace my skin with his fingertips. I arched my back against his touch as soon as his hand touched my abs.

He chuckled softly, mesmerized by my reactions to his touches. He pulled his nails across my chest, he kissed and nipped at my skin and my nipples like I had briefly done to him before. He never forgot to pay attention to the right spots on my neck.

Jasper shifted to sit, a bit lower on the bed to be able to run his fingers from my feet to my legs and my thighs. I was so hard it hurt. I still didn't..._couldn't_, hope that he's actually...you know, touch me.

My head was against the pillows and when he leaned up to pepper my chest and my abs with kisses that were clearly going downwards somehow little hesitantly, like he wanted to but also gave himself time.

I wanted that too, to give him time. I also knew I was panting and that pre-cum was slowly dripping from my cock and that I would have to take matters in to my own hands soon or I'd get seriously frustrated.

"Edward...I can't...yet...but..." he whispered, leaning upwards to turn until he was laying by my side again.

I nodded, trying my best not to look disappointed.

"I mean, I can't...blow you...not yet...I want to but it's too soon. I'd like to touch you though. If you let me?" Jasper spoke hastily, like be was afraid that I'd be mad at him or that he himself didn't have the courage to speak the words.

I nodded and smiled, pulling him in to a kiss that made my cock twitch, Jasper moaned in to my mouth.

He pulled me by my arm a bit so that I was better facing him, a bit to my side, and he had an access to my neck. When he let his mouth move from my lips to my jaw and my neck I suddenly began to pant again.

Then his hand was touching my cock, his hesitant fingers wrapped around my shaft and he stopped.

"What...ever you like...yourself..." I panted in to his ear and I saw him smile a bit.

His fingers began to move, his touch was more firm now. He was pumping my length, moving his thumb over the head every few strokes and making my hips buck.

While his hand worked on my cock, he kept kissing and nipping and sucking my neck and my jaw and occasionally he trailed open mouthed kisses to my chest and sucked my nipple in to his mouth before returning to my neck. The sensory overload was making me last longer, it was strange in a way because I would have thought I would come immediately when he touched my cock.

After a while he began to stroke faster, adding a twisting motion in to the movement and when I began to moan almost constantly he suddenly whispered in to my ear: "I love you Edward." and then sucked the lobe of my ear in to his mouth and bit in to it, sending me spiralling over the edge and I moaned and gasped and tensed and came in a way I had ever come before.

He pumped me until I was completely done and then wrapped his arms around me and held me through the aftershocks that made me tremble every now and then for a long time.

"I can't believe I just made you come..." he said, tone full of awe, after a moment of silence.

I had to chuckle.

"Trust me, I can't believe that either." I told him and then we laughed for a moment, clinging to each other and the laughter turned in to tears but we held each other until we were calm again.

"I love you Jasper." I whispered to his ear, I had a feeling I would say that very often now that I had a permission to do so.

"I will never let you down again." he said with conviction that I hoped would stick even outside this room.

He had a week to prove me he was serious.

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~**

**AN:** I'm dedicating this little piece to Inksper (*love* to **AHelm** for inventing him) and to **Beautiful Figment**'s metaphorical balls. ;)

If you haven't yet, you should definitely check out all AHelm's stories (especially Ink Street, because everyone who loves Jazz needs to meet Inksper...) and Beautiful Figment's What I Failed to Realize. BF's one-shot Louder than Words is also the shiz. So check those out. :)


	2. Over and Over

**Disclaimer: **The recognizable Twilight-characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. The lyrics belong to their respective owners.

**Author's Note:** I was inspired to write this by your requests, by reading a few excellent fics and just by music. I hope you like this, it is the other side of the original one-shot, "The Week" will be added as another chapter or a few chapters. Not sure yet. I'll know when I get it out of my head.

Also, a huge thanks to my beta. You rock, sweetie. :)

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

JPOV

It was in Rome where it finally hit me. Of course the signs had been there before. I had known about his feelings for a long time by then, but always thought I didn't have those kinds of feelings for him.

I was raised on a ranch, where men were men and women were women and there were no such thing as bisexuality, let alone homosexuality. It never was an option to me. It was so foreign to me that I never even thought about maybe being something other than straight.

Then I met Edward who was pretty open about himself, especially when we formed the band with the other guys, and we were trying to decide what we'd do, how much we'd tell the public if we'd get to that stage. None of us wanted to hide who we were. The press would eventually figure things out about us.

We all wanted to give Edward the chance of not coming forward with him being gay. He told us that if we were going to be openly what we were, so would he. It wasn't a big deal to him and he wouldn't let it be that way to anyone who liked the band either.

Of course there were the occasional articles when we got bigger. Gossip about me or James, they couldn't find anything about Seth of Paul really. When it was about Edward, it was always something about him and some guy and there was always an outraged reaction from the fans. 90% were outraged for Edward, because most of the gossip was malicious as if there was something wrong about him picking up some guy. 10% were outraged because he dared to be gay so openly.

It was never an issue to anyone in, with, or around the band.

When did I realize he was in love with me? I think I always knew. From the beginning, from when we were just kids. But when it truly hit me was the tour before this one. When I heard him do his encore-songs; those that were meant for me. When he couldn't dare to tell me straight to my face. The song choices were always more easygoing and upbeat in the beginning of a tour.

The closer we got to the end of a tour, the worse the songs got. The more dark and melancholy; and I knew it was because of me. It ate me from the inside to not be able to respond to his feelings. Talking about it with him wouldn't help. It would only make things worse for both of us and I knew it.

What changed in Rome? We were in a club, a normal everyday club. Me and Edward and some other guys, the rest of the band was back at the hotel, Skypeing with their families and loved ones.

Maybe it was the fact that he had wanted to do an encore that night. He had done a very lovely acoustic version of Over and Over by Three Days Grace. That had hit home but when I tried to ask about it, for once I wanted to ask about it, he had avoided me and I had let him be.

_Edward walked to the stage before the rest of us and the crowd cheered at him. They knew they were in for a treat, as he didn't do this in every town._

"_This is something I've wanted to do for a while now. I really like the band, maybe some of you know this song, if you do, let's turn this in to a sing-a-long, eh?" he said, sounding a bit better than he had in the last few days even when talking to us._

_The song choice floored me._

"I feel it everyday it's all the same  
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame  
I've tried everything to get away  
So here I go again  
Chasing you down again  
Why do I do this? "

_I was so shocked. I got a look from Paul; he was the one who knew the most of my situation with Edward. He was the one who had confronted me first._

"Over and over, over and over  
I fall for you  
Over and over, over and over  
I try not to

It feels like everyday stays the same  
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away  
So here I go again  
Chasing you down again  
Why do I do this? "

_I felt tears sting in my eyes. I wanted to stop him from singing that song. I wanted him to confront me about it all so that I could tell him I was sorry for what I'd done to him for all this time._

_I wiped my tears from my cheeks when he sang the part I dreaded the most. I knew the song by heart. I knew it was coming but it still felt like he had hit me physically._

"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head  
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead  
I know what's best for me  
But I want you instead  
I'll keep on wasting all my time "

_I walked to the side to get a bottle of water and to hide the tears from the other guys. _

_The cheers died down when he finally announced that it was time to welcome the rest of the band to the stage. The cheers started again._

"_Oh, before I leave the mic for Jasper, I think we're going to do some U2 for our roadie Sam's birthday that was yesterday." he said and everyone cheered some more._

_That we had agreed on. We'd do some U2 and one of Sam's favorite songs. Sam watched us walk on the stage and I could hear him call after us, thanking us. _

_We had collectively picke__d "One"._

_Even that song managed to turn in to something tragic for me and Edward. He always sang as my back up but this time it was different. _

_When I glanced at him at a certain point of the song, I realized he was looking at me. The reason to that was obvious when I heard him sing a bit louder for one line, louder than was needed but not enough for the audience to realize there was something different about it._

"You gave me nothing, now it's all I got..."

_When I looked at him, he was looking away from me, concentrating on the audience again. _

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Later that night in the club there was some girl clinging on to me. She was pretty, could hold some conversation and had a nice rack. That was usually more than enough.

Not that night.

I was having a conversation with her about something trivial while I was scouting for Edward in the crowd and thinking about things between us. Then suddenly I spotted him. He was chatting with someone. The guy was maybe 6'5", swimmer's build, slightly blonde curly hair, and he was smiling a lot. And he was touching Edward's arm every now and then as they chatted animatedly.

I realized what he was doing. He was going to fuck me without actually fucking me. It enraged me. He was picking someone who looked like me and now that I thought of it he bloody hell went for blondes, every time he hooked up with someone, it was a blonde guy, a tall blonde usually.

Then I noticed the girl I was with had stopped talking and followed my gaze. I turned my head quickly but she had seen who I was looking at already.

"Oh man...never realized it was you." she said, her eyes wide. See, she was a fan and the community of fans we had online, our 'following', had speculated who it was Edward was so broken about. Yes, they had noticed.

Of course they'd notice. See, fans are a devoted lot. They know things, they pay attention and Edward had gotten some.

I didn't know what to tell this girl.

"Don't worry. It won't leave this room, not by me." she said suddenly and I nodded, letting out the breath I had been holding.

"Thanks..." I said and tried to relax only to get tense again when I saw him leave with the blonde in tow.

I excused myself and left for the hotel maybe an hour later, still early. For once I was glad I wasn't next door to Edward in the hotel. We often had rooms right next to each other but luckily not this time.

I laid in bed for a long time and suddenly it hit me: I get anxious every time he picks up someone who looks like me. Hell, I get tense every time he picks up _someone_.

Now why would I do that? Slowly it dawned on me. I was in love with Edward. I actually sat up on my bed and stared at the opposite wall in shock. How the hell did I miss something like that??

I was in love with him!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Some time later, maybe a bit over two months, I don't know, we were in London for the weekend. We played two gigs but had Sunday off. I had my personal roadie Jared call a tattoo artist I knew from the city and set up an appointment for Sunday.

When I went to see him, he was happy and surprised. He knew I only had more ink done when something special happened, outside me or inside me.

"What'll it be, Jazz?" he asked, tilting his head a bit curiously.

"I drew this one as an example, make it ten times better." I smirked at him and I know I looked a bit sad. Hell, I _was_ a bit sad.

So he did. A couple of hours later there was a new tattoo on my hip. Two words with a guitar pick behind them, a small E in the middle of the pick.

"That's a Placebo-song, isn't it?" he asked me and I nodded.

"Yep. A favorite of mine and..." I closed my mouth before I could speak any more.

"Ahh...E. Will you ever figure it out, Jasper?" he asked.

I looked at him in awe.

"How did _you_ know?" I asked, the words coming out in a huff.

"I've seen you live a few times over the last two years. I can see how he looks at you, I've heard him do a couple of songs alone and let's just say it's not rocket science, Jasper. He loves you so much it hurt me to watch him the last time I saw him play. Are you finally figuring this out for yourself?" he asked and nodded to the tattoo he was covering.

"Yes. I think I am. It's not...simple. You know where I'm from. I never thought I'd be..." I said and frowned.

"Love is never simple, Jasper. It always hurts. In the end it's worth it though. There's nothing greater than to love and be loved in return." he said and I smiled a bit.

"Maybe I'll show this to him one day..." I said and sighed.

My loyal tattoo-artist-in-Europe had outdone himself and smiled contently.

"It's a good one to show him." he smirked and I paid for the job and left the shop, humming Placebo.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

The night, it was in Finland, he sang a song that almost made me change my mind about ever coming clean to him about this. When he got off stage and stormed off I was the one who had to explain it to the fans and all I could think about was how he hadn't even looked at me when he rushed backstage and away from me.

I played the rest of the encore-songs, ones we had planned before, and left the Arena to go to our hotel. I went to Edward's door and knocked but there was no answer. No sounds either. I immediately knew where I would find him and scouted for an entrance to the roof.

He didn't notice me right away. I stood there for a while, watching him hunched on some bench that someone had brought here for this reason, for people who wanted to smoke and be alone.

He was lovely. I had watched him differently lately. His hair was always untamed, no matter what he tried to do with it. It was almost bronze in color and his eyes were forest green. When he was excited or happy about something they got lighter, but I had only seen deep forest green for a long time.

Suddenly he exhaled smoke and I heard him sing to himself.

"_But I won't be your concubine - I'm a puppet not a whore.  
I just need this stage to be seen.  
Will you be a friend of mine to remind me what is real?  
Hold my heart and see that it __bleeds..."_

I shifted, uncomfortably. I knew the song.

I spoke and he looked briefly happy and then it changed in to pain. Again I felt the searing pain inside me that I had been feeling ever since Rome. I made him feel like this. I couldn't back down anymore.

I invited him in, to look at the tattoo. I knew he was hesitant. He didn't want to be in the same room with me, let alone see me in less clothing. Well, technically he probably wanted to see me without any clothing what so ever, but you know what I mean.

When we got to the point I was going to show him the tattoo, after some small talk to cover my nervousness, I stripped and went closer to him to where he sat and told him to look closer.

He did. Then he looked puzzled. So I sang to him, the piece of the song we both loved.

"_These bonds are shackle free, wrapped in lust and lunacy.  
Tiny touch of jealousy, these bonds are shackle free. "_

I saw him close his eyes.

"You know I don't really play guitar as much or as well as you do... My first name doesn't start with E either..." I said in a whisper, why was this so hard to say? "I know you're not a puppet, Edward. I never wanted you to feel like one. I never wanted to hurt you either."

He couldn't even look at me!

"I'm sorry it took me all this time...to figure out..." I managed to say and that was when he snapped.

"To figure out what, Jasper? That I've been insanely in love with you since we met in junior high? That I have fucking cried myself to sleep every night in the last few weeks like I always do at the end of the tours." he almost screamed at me. It felt like physical attack.

"Or maybe you figured out that I only fuck blonde guys because I try to fill the fucking void that's consuming me and pulling me in every single time I see you pick up some random chick somewhere? Oh, I have a good one!!" I could hardly stand still, I felt like he was hitting me with every single word that came out of his mouth.

"Maybe you finally figured out that it's funny to hear me sing on stage when I do, because I pick out the most pathetic songs to try and tell you I'm so tired of living like this I try to avoid going to anywhere high enough because I'm fucking sure that one of these nights I'll jump!" And with those words he got up and ran out of my hotel room.

My knees gave in and I stumbled on to the couch.

I needed to make this right somehow! I couldn't let him feel all that pain anymore! I loved him for heaven's sake! What kind of a man was I to be doing this to him?

I ran after him.

The conversation that we had after he let me in was the hardest one I had ever had to have with anyone. I would have to say words that would hurt him before they could heal this, heal us both.

"I never wanted to think that the solution would be this easy... That all the emptiness of the one night stands had something to do with someone I already knew..." I started, feeling insecure as hell.

"I never thought I was bisexual, let alone gay. I never thought I might actually fancy a guy. I thought about it for a very long time. Years maybe... When I saw you pick up someone I never realized why I became so agitated and aggressive... A few months ago, in Rome... I saw you pick up that guy who looked a lot like me and I realized I was jealous. I wanted him to be me.

"I wanted to kick his ass for touching you. I had to think about what it all meant. So I did... I just knew I had had you there all these years and of course I knew you had...felt these things..." I leaned to the couch because I was sure that I couldn't stand for much longer.

I earned this, being so fucking scared and insecure and lost...

"I was selfish...maybe it fed my ego, having someone like you feel things for me. I know it was wrong. So wrong... You know I never cared for the fans. But having someone I had known for so long want me...that was different. I wanted you to want me..." this wasn't a practiced speech but the more I spoke, the more I knew I was telling us both the truth for the first time ever.

My gaze drifted to the floor. I needed to make him see that I was serious. I needed him to be whole again. If it wasn't with me then with someone else but I needed to ask this.

"Edward... I can never make these years up to you. I can never change what an idiot I have been or how much I've hurt you. But... Could you give me a chance to prove to you that I can be better?"

Suddenly I felt his eyes on me.

"Jasper, what does the tattoo mean?" he asked, his tone was too neutral. He was straining to be neutral, nonchalant, like this wasn't touching him, like I wasn't hurting him more. My gaze moved back to my toes.

"I'm... I'm in love with you. I have been for a while now. Maybe months. I needed to...gather all my courage to talk to you. I got the tattoo to... symbolize that even if you wouldn't give me a chance I would have a reminder of you on me. Of the bond that I can feel is here..." I spoke in a strange tone that wasn't familiar to me; it faded in the end, like the words escaped me somehow.

Edward walked to me, looked at me.

"Jasper... I don't know... I mean...you've toyed with my feelings for years... What guarantee do I have it won't happen again? When you decide you aren't into guys or into me after all? When someone questions you who you are dating, what would you say? That you suddenly went gay for your band mate?"

I felt like crying, I didn't want to meet his gaze, I didn't want him to see how insecure I was, but he lifted my chin to make me look at him.

"I want you. I don't know if I should, but...I do. I doubt that will ever change." Edward's voice was barely a whisper.

Hope surged through me all of a sudden.

"Does that mean..." I whispered and he silenced me with his fingers, placing them on my lips.

"I'll give you one week more, Jasper. I've been living in my own personal bittersweet heaven of a hell for years. I was thinking on quitting the band at some point, just to get away. From you. So I'll give you a week to prove me you can change and be with me. If it doesn't work out, I'm gone. For good." he spoke and I was shocked to hear how low he had truly been.

To leave his livelihood to be able to free himself of me. I closed my eyes and nodded, tears were forming behind my lids and I didn't want to seem weak but I had to open my eyes and look at him. He wiped the tears away with his fingers.

I took a stuttering breath and asked the question that I had wanted to ask for months now.

"Edward...would you kiss me?"

The kiss felt like someone had used a taser on me. I saw he felt it just as strongly. And then we were suddenly undressing each other.

I had never wanted anyone this badly in my life and I had never been so scared either. He took things slow; I have to give him credit for that.

What he did in the shower was just amazing. I had never been so satisfied in my life after being blown. Surprisingly all I could think of was that he loved me and he wanted me like this. Best head I ever had gotten and trust me, I've had a lot, not that I'm proud of that or anything.

I wanted to...pay him back, I suppose. Again he told me not to worry. That I would be able to learn in my own time, he wasn't rushing me.

I was so grateful of that.

When we were on the bed, I kissed him and then did as he had suggested. I taught myself how he was. How Edward was under my fingers, how his skin and muscles felt like. How his perfection was there, under the clothes as much as it was on his music and his voice and his appearance.

I paid as much attention to him as I could. I really liked to do this, but I couldn't blow him, part of me wanted to taste him but I just couldn't yet. When it was obvious he couldn't quite wait much longer I told him so and he assured me it was fine.

I did as permission to touch him though, that much I could do for him now, and when I made him come... I was in awe. _I_ did that to him??

"I can't believe I just made you come..." I said out loud, I must have sounded as in awe as I was.

Edward chuckled.

"Trust me, I can't believe that either." he said and his tone made us both laugh heartily for a while.

It felt like coming home.

"I love you Jasper." he told me, just like I had told him I loved him just before he came.

"I will never let you down again." I promised him.

I knew I could keep it too. I knew I had to, for both of our sakes. I had a week. I would make him happy again. I wouldn't let him be sad ever again, not over me or something I had done.

This was my life with Edward. In the end, nothing else mattered.

And I had a week to prove it.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

**AN2:** I confess, this was supposed to be the whole story, but it turned out Jasper wanted to explain more and show more of what happened before that night. He's different from Edward, you can probably tell, so he tells his story a bit differently, he has more of a matter of fact-approach to their relationship so he isn't so...emotional when he tells the story.

It's interesting to me. Thought I'd share that tidbit with you. :)

Anyhow, more is to come, maybe soon, maybe later. But it'll get there. Stay tuned for the rest of the story.


End file.
